I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
