and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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