I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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