You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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