Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
