i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My dick has a subreddit
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
