everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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