Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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