Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
