last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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