please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
