My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
