Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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