Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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