Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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