eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
