I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
