This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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