Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
