non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
