you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
