I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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