I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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