you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
