Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
