I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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