I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
