when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
