No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
