I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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