Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
