You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
