i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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