It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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