my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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