It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
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the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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