I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
