i may or may not be watching the land before time
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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