I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
