omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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