dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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