You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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