on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
