I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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