his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
