In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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