Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
