he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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