please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
