i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
