She's like a pop up book from hell.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
