i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
