Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
