if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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