you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize