We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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