Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
