Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
