my soul wont recognize me after tonight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
