True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
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The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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