Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
literally had 100 drinks last night.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
