you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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