I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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