Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
