Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
