Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
